Naked confessions from my heart
Today is the beginning of Week 6 of my university life but I guess I have not really reflected on how much I have struggled and grown for the past few weeks after officially becoming a NTU student.
My first impression of being a NTU student is that I have to step out of my comfort zone to socialize with my fellow camp mates, school mates, classmates, hall mates and acquaintances without being stigmatized by others. But after my school camp, I already felt drained out and dry. Probably I was not ready for this massive revival of socializing in my life. Or probably I just feel tired of bonding and establishing friendship and relationship that often comes with a motive - not to be left out. I told myself I will go through this new phrase of my life with an open hearted and of course the “be myself” attitude. I tried upholding it for the first few weeks, then I realized I failed.
Gradually, weeks after weeks, I find myself compromising and being influenced by friends and people around me, without really know what is it really for or is it worth it. Of course, at the end of the day, I also want to have a balanced campus life which I have fun and do well during my stay in NTU. But I am not enjoying myself as much as I thought I will during the social activities, heart to heart talk sessions, and the adaptation to hall life. I feel that I am letting myself down, getting affected by every other word or comment people made, the latest gossip in the block or even just a minor body language of friends. Why am I reacting this way, I really have no idea. Probably I am really undergoing a quad uni life crisis.
I feel that I have so much things to do and catch up with and only got more stressed when I failed to manage my time properly over time. My time table is not exactly the most hectic, but yet I always fail to use my pockets of free time productively as least for now. And you know what? Everything I do, I am gauging it accordingly to productivity and efficiency and now I realize I am actually rationalizing every single thing I am doing. My mind seems really kind of fucked up, constantly thinking, switching from sociological imagination to Winnie default overthinking mood every other second. Oh my gosh, I am really have a mind game with myself.
Other than time management, I think I am also lagging behind on my self discipline. Why am I letting my school work piling up and procrastinating so much when it comes to studies and assignments? Isn’t this the priority of why I am here, with the opportunity cost of 4 years of work that I can jolly well start supporting my family? Isn’t this a miracle that God has granted me? But why, am I not motivated or rather fearful of studying this course? I know I may not be the strongest or fastest learners, but Winnie why are you back offing when you have not really tried it yet? Why do you let your fear, and anxiety and lack of confident defeat yourself even before you start this battle? Believe that when God brings you to it, He will bring you through. So regardless how bleak, how lousy you feel about this situation, just shoot down the negativity and strive your best. It’s not too late Winnie.
Controlling my emotional self is probably the greatest challenge I am facing right now. I know that this is probably the biggest weakness of mine, which constantly seeks to be accepted and appreciated by others all the time. Right now, what I have to do is to build myself up, love myself and be independent, but yet every other action I take, draws me away from that. I have to understand that I cannot please everyone and at times people let me down but that doesnt mean I should let myself down too. There are really times that I feel like breaking down in the mist of a conversation, or alone in my room, or just when I am engaging in my deepest self thoughts. My expectations are so idealistic that I know it will never match the reality, but yet I still expect. I dont know what is wrong with me, that I keep on seek for a place or rather a person that I rely on, depend on, throughout this whole new strange transition period of my life. I am just so insecure right now.
It is not about looking for a partner or a relationship but rather, I just feel that my heart is so empty at times, that I just wish that there is someone that I can hug and lean on and just comfort me even if he don’t have to speak a word. I try to act tough and strong that I am fine without a man supporting me and to be dependent on, but I guess there is still much more to catch up on. Sometimes, I just wish that there is someone I can look forward to seeing each day when I open my eyes and exclaim that hey, you brighten up each day of mine with your very existence. Oh well, I know that friends can do that too. But its different definitely. Or probably the thing that I truly yearn for now is emotional intimacy, the connection in two souls that their hearts simply beat in unison.
And also the negativity of myself just keep building up these few weeks. Everywhere I see people more talented, striving, hard working and sociable than me. I know very well I cannot compare with others because everyone is different and there will always be people better than me. But I just can’t help it but to put myself down each time I witness someone doing something better than me. I didn;t know how badly affected I have been these weeks till the extent that I cant smile properly any more, I hate being myself, and that at times I just want to be away from the crowd because I feel so inferior. Winnie, you really have to guard your heart. You know yourself so well that you come from a different background and that you have suffered and survived so much that you are able to make it here today. Being here, you are already a winner and glorified warrior. Don’t let other’s achievement make you down, but rather let them inspire you to keep on improving yourself and that one day you will shine as brightly as them. Keep your chin up Winnie, you certainly can do it if you think you can.
Lastly, it will be my struggle to keep God as the priority of my life. Father, I know that if I am able to put You first in my life, I will probably not face so much emotional struggle and will be able to resist the temptations and distractions of my life. Father, please pardon me. Sometimes I imagine You so close to me, and I try to hug the air in front of me, but Father, I feel so lonely because I cannot touch you physically. I really appreciate the moments when the holy spirit fills me, renew my mind and soul, and Your love and grace for me, but Father it feels like my heart has a hole. These just triggered down my heart. Father, I pray that my relationship with You will strengthen and deepen each day as I confess to You my sins, and my shortcomings and everything that I should not have done but I did. Father, I also pray that I will have an emotional and attitude breakthrough which enable me to find back myself and be the warrior that I always have been. Thank you Father, my Abba Father.
With love, Amen.
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Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. (Galatians 6:9)
I was quick to speak my mind, but what I said was often foolish and inappropriate.
I made many mistakes and hurt a lot of people because I did not take time to seek wisdom.
I know right. Have to work on this. Amen.
"Life isn’t supposed to be an all or nothing battle between misery and bliss. Life isn’t supposed to be a battle at all. And when it comes to happiness, well, sometimes life is just okay, sometimes it’s comfortable, sometimes wonderful, sometimes boring, sometimes unpleasant. When your day’s not perfect, it’s not a failure or a terrible loss. It’s just another day."
Barbara Sher (via simplysillymettc)
The rude awakening
I told you that I need time. I told you to wait. I told you that I may forgive you. Honestly, how true were those claims I can no longer promise you. I didn’t know that this unexpected friendship could cause so much chaos to my already fucked up life. Sometimes I really could not help it but ask God why must you send someone to germinate that mustard seed in my heart and then use the same person to dig out my roots mercilessly. Why I felt so desolated, disgusted and cold when the sugar coated voyage ended abruptly just right before that edge of a cliff.
This is really a mind fucking, emotional intense struggle. You tell me that there is no such things as vicious cycle, and yet at the end of this episode, I just found myself padlocked to a higher level of the cycle trap. Why did you offer those unattainable shelter and comfort when you know jolly well you don’t belong to my life? Why did you make use of my innocence and trust to manipulate the situation to fit into your own story - one that you claim that it’s the perfect love story when the reality all you wanted is to fill up the brokenness and emptiness that she could not give you.
I chose to put an end to our story with this dark interpretation of how things have turned out to. Because every single thing that you left me with, now only made me filled with regret, angst and disappointment.
I know we should be forgiving and kind souls. But somehow that girl will never be the same after the last episode. Now she loses her soul and is hopelessly trying to gain back a foothold in God after you have left her dangling and faithless.
The last thing she promises is she will keep you in prayers. But she hopes that if she ever meets you in Heaven next time, you will give her a peace of mind by keeping distance away from her.
This is a soul game. Checkmate.
❛If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together.. there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we’re apart.. I’ll always be with you❜
If you work really hard and are kind, amazing things will happen.
"Look up at the stars, and not down at your feet. Try to make sense of what you see, and wonder about what makes the universe exist. However difficult life may seem, there is always something you can do and succeed at."
Stephen Hawking (via beauty-scoop)