Simply lost in thoughts
Its like 3.10am now. And I realized 3am is my average sleeping time this week. Must be that honey milk tea and that homemade bubble tea by Ga that keep me awake till now. Supposedly to be a long and hell week, but thankfully this week passed smoothly with God’s grace :)
Insecurity seems to fade off a little. Even though I spent 3 nights alone in hall, but I felt peace and calmness upon me each night. There’s still wandering thoughts, but I feel myself gaining control of my situation and guarding my heart at times. Best of all is that I am loving to be alone and of course with the presence of God always there protecting me and loving me. I manage to be more focused on my studies and sit myself down to study for hours, though sometimes I still found myself stoning or daydreaming.
I shall not expect, I shall not seek, I shall not judge. I know it is very hard for me to keep an open mind right now, but the least I can do, is to maintain that “be myself” attitude. Friendships, or surprises really come when you are least expecting it. I don’t want to try so hard to hold on to things and people that can’t wait to leave my life. I am just thankful that no matter what situation I am in, there is still someone that is there for me. :)
Little would I know that someone so cheerful and sweet actually feels so negative and emo inside like me. Indeed no matter how someone behaves on the outside, inside them there is always a story behind that leads to he/she being who he/she is today. No matter how happy one appears to be, beneath those smiles hide their deepest scars, insecurity, painful past or many more that they themselves are afraid to face it. I feel that it is really okay to be sad or indulge in self pity sometimes because that is just a way of loosening ourselves up, and let our trapped and deprived feelings out of this hectic, fast paced, complex, contradictory, cruel, rational world.
Sometimes I even miss the times I just cry for no reason, take long hot showers, take long long walks at night, hug someone really tight for a long time, kiss someone to sleep, fall asleep in someone’s arms, laugh with the loudest voice, jump for joy, be amused by simple things, witness rainbows after rain, walking in the rain, talking to myself, sing a love song out loud, give someone a sunflower and say thank you, make a new friend with a stranger over a simple incident, genuine smile, watch a romantic movie and share popcorn, take endless thrilling rides, travel, read a book, drink green tea latte from Starbucks, play swing, doodle on notes and to fall in love with someone truly, madly, deeply. Escape. Be myself. Be in love. Be inspired. Be an inspiration. Be someone. Be worthy. Believe.
And yeah I think I am daydreaming now. And my brain is fried and severely deprived of sleep. Let’s sleep now.
Love, Winnie always a dreamer
"You live out the confusions until they become clear."
Anaïs Nin (via psychotherapy)
Seriously, you wouldnt want this!