Messy world
Burnt out. Overwhelmed. Transition.
Those words above denote a temporary time frame yet I just could not see an end to this overbearing fatigue and heaviness in me.
I am so tired. And I have only past 2 years of working yet it felt like forever.
I finally bought my first home and gotten married to my husband after dating for 2 years. And its only after marriage, I realized how love and romance is really a social construct and even at times an ideal state.
Sometimes I wonder is it better to marry someone who complement me or someone who connects with me without me speaking a word.
So many people advise to find a stable, reliable man for the institution of marriage works best like that as one can feel and be emotionally safe®. I remember reading a quote which says marry the man that made you safe and not the one that made your heart skip a beat, and now in retrospect I think the sentence is misleading.
Settling for someone who supposedly makes you feel safe or love you more (in some cases) may not necessary lead to a stable and smooth marriage if the yearning to excite oanother or go for adventures together is not there. In other words, I think romr ance is equally important to make a marriage works.
I never understood why people say romance can fade off after marriage can happen when marriage supposedly represents that perfect fairy tale ending of “two persons being able to live happily ever after (legitimately)”. And then 7 months into my marriage, here I am typing this post in my living room after rejecting sharing a table with my husband in the other room. I do not believe I would get more satisfaction sitting next to him physically in the room when he was all the time either on his laptop doing work or just scrolling his facebook endlessly. Period.
I have kinda entered into phase two of giving up on social institution of marriage - nonchalance. Despite having such a short time together physically, the more torturous part is when two souls don’t connect. When our love languages do not match, and efforts made to reconcile that did not work. He continues to live in ignorance while I escape into a world of nonchalance. It is not that I want to give up on us, but I guess my burnt out in life has included in the aspect of relationship as well.
I am tired of trying to have my soul connected with his. When its no longer in tandem, no matter how much time we have one another, it will never be appreciated.
"Honestly, I don’t need someone who sees the good in me. I need someone who sees the bad in me and still wants me."
Unknown (via thelovejournals)
(via thelovejournals)
(Source: thelovejournals.com, via runningwithyogitoes)
"It’s a tough thing to let go without any hate to hold onto. Without betrayals of trust or irreconcilable differences to help you break the bonds. Dropping dead weight is easy. It’s learning how and when to say farewell to the good things that’s hard."
Beau Taplin • T h e G o o d T h i n g s (via afadthatlastsforever)
(via afadthatlastsforever)
"Grief turns out to be a place none of us know until we reach it. We anticipate (we know) that someone close to us could die, but we do not look beyond the few days or weeks that immediately follow such an imagined death. We misconstrue the nature of even those few days or weeks. We might expect if the death is sudden to feel shock. We do not expect this shock to be obliterative, dislocating to both body and mind. We might expect that we will be prostrate, inconsolable, crazy with loss. We do not expect to be literally crazy, cool customers who believe that their husband is about to return and need his shoes. In the version of grief we imagine, the model will be “healing.” A certain forward movement will prevail. The worst days will be the earliest days. We imagine that the moment to most severely test us will be the funeral, after which this hypothetical healing will take place. When we anticipate the funeral we wonder about failing to “get through it,” rise to the occasion, exhibit the “strength” that invariably gets mentioned as the correct response to death. We anticipate needing to steel ourselves for the moment: will I be able to greet people, will I be able to leave the scene, will I be able even to get dressed that day? We have no way of knowing that this will not be the issue. We have no way of knowing that the funeral itself will be anodyne, a kind of narcotic regression in which we are wrapped in the care of others and the gravity and meaning of the occasion. Nor can we know ahead of the fact (and here lies the heart of the difference between grief as we imagine it and grief as it is) the unending absence that follows, the void, the very opposite of meaning, the relentless succession of moments during which we will confront the experience of meaninglessness itself."
Joan Didion, The Year of Magical Thinking
(via wordspill)
(Source: nemophilies, via iliveforthesquish)
"Be not the slave of your own past - plunge into the sublime seas, dive deep, and swim far, so you shall come back with new self-respect, with new power, and with an advanced experience that shall explain and overlook the old."
Ralph Waldo Emerson
"If you allow people to make more withdrawals than deposits in your life, you will soon be in the negative. Know when to close the account."
Unknown (via onlinecounsellingcollege)
(via iliveforthesquish)
"I’m a very ordinary human being; I just happen to like reading books."
Haruki Murakami, 1Q84
"Please don’t expect me to always be good and kind and loving. There are times when I will be cold and thoughtless and hard to understand."
Sylvia Plath
(via minuty)
(via runningwithyogitoes)
"I was always ashamed to take. So I gave. It was not a virtue. It was a disguise."
~ Anaïs Nin, The Diary Of Anais Nin, Vol. 4: 1944-1947 (via conflictingheart)
(Source: thequotejournals.com, via conflictingheart)
"I shiver, thinking how easy it is to be totally wrong about people, to see one tiny part of them and confuse it for the whole."
Lauren Oliver (via quotemadness)
(via iliveforthesquish)